The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
You Might Also Like
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.