I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
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I mean…but I did
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer: