While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
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Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY