While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
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pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.