While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
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Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
The honesty is refreshing
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.