@SteveInevitable: While texting a girl she told me "I'm board" so I stopped seeing her. I wasn't offended. I just don't date wood. Or people who can't spell.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: Guess what I did Me: Captured Bigfoot? Wife: I got a great deal on kid's clothes Me: Just so I'm clear, Bigfoot is still out there?
@jordan_stratton: Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you've used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car