I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
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#ThisMakesMeLaugh
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Phones down.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5