@mccoy_paul: While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they'd do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
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@causticbob: Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security? Well it's the first thing they say when I approach them.
@internetluke: [Joseph checking in to hotel] "Is there WiFi?" Only in the stable *later to Virgin Mary* "Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable"
@all_about_today: What I've learned from twitter is that if I tell a joke to 1,300 people, at least 2 will laugh.
@MicheleAKALips: I had a boyfriend once....right up until the moment my dad asked him "so what do you do?" and he replied your daughter. He's Dead.