While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
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Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Okay me first
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.