Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
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I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Baller is short for ballerina
pictures of spider-man