Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
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Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.