@thespacewad: If your parents say, "You can be whatever you want to be when you grow up", remind them that they'll have to die for you to be Batman.

@amselts: After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance "The Human" by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet

@Brianhopecomedy: "Daddy, I-" *presses button for soundproof backseat divider Wife: "HOW MUCH DID-" *presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider

@StellaRtwot: Him: You hang up first. Me: *click

@EliTerry: I brought a gun that shoots knives to a gun fight. Everybody was like whoa. We didn't even fight. Went to get nachos. Cool group of dudes.