Whisper out to librarians!
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“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
catch me on valentine’s day like
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.