@Brampersandon_: [COPS] *into radio* We've got a drunk man in the park who thinks he's a lion tamer. "SIR! PUT THE WHIP DOWN & STEP AWAY FROM THE CAROUSEL!"

@fillthevacuum: *adds resume embellisher to resume*

@turboescortdude: 3 y/o: I want a bagel Me: We don't have any 3 y/o: You're a idiot Me: How did you survive your abortion

@iGreenMonk: Whenever my wife sing, i open up my room windows so the neighbors don't think I'm beating her.

@causticbob: japanese corn