@crylosec: [train station] Man: hey you. Woman: Hi. M: i'm Christian. W: That's a pickup line? *rolls eyes, walks away M: ugh. i hate my name.

@sad_tree: *sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween* Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost

@KeetPotato: GF: "you're so childish" me: "it's my day too linda" [we sit in silence] wedding planner: "so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?"

@Gooooats: Drive by shootings are just one more example of Americans being too lazy to get out of their cars.

@AndrewNadeau0: ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted. MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.