[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
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I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.