*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
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*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.