*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
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7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*