*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
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[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life