[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
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[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
you have three unread messages
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
“you recording!?”
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh