*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
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The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
December birthdays be like…
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.