Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
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Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
this is the news I live for
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.