White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
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5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke