[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
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From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
mumsnet is amazing
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️