white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
You Might Also Like
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*