girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
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Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Don’t we all.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
cushion on the right slightly discoloured