My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
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Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.