Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
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To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it