Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
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Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?