Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
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*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
calling in to work dehydrated