Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
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And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.