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[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what