Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
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HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
When you’re here for the treats.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time