Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
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From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw