Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
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My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
I have no passwords left in me
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
I’m not lazy
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.