Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
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Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!