HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
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opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.