Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
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[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going