Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
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When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.