Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
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My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.