Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
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Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.