Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
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My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
They also CAN sing✌️
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
I feel seen
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout