[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
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Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
choose your fighter
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.