End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
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Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day