It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
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It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
🐕🍷
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
“I took care of your clown problem.”
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”