What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
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roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
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I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula