Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
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ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Do one person every day that scares you.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.