Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
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“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit