Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
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My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.