They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
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I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up