Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
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In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
calling in to work dehydrated
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th