I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
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Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
ACED my prostate exam!
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie