I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
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ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring