Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
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If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]