Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
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The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
i wish we could shoplift online
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.